I can say without a doubt in my mind that my faith was strengthend throughout this trial. I was telling someone the other day that this was by far the most difficult trial I have experienced. Sure, there have been other things, but this came out of nowhere and hit both Ryan and me to the core. There is no way we could have prepped ourselves for that week; the high of bringing another daughter into the world and the low of having our son hospitalized for 5 nights. I told this lady that I didn't know how my faith would respond in a difficult situation like we faced. I had seen other people face trials and difficulties and weathered them with such faith and strength in The Lord. I always wondered how I would respond if given a trial (especially with a child at the center of the trial). My faith got me through this trial. The Lord was with me every day and I felt a calm about the situation that is unexplainable. Of course, there were moments throughout that week in which I broke down crying, sad I wasn't with Reagan, and concerned about his health; however, by The Lord's grace, I was able to get through those moments knowing The Lord was right there with me, carrying me through this trial.
You know the poem "Footsteps in the Sand" by Mary Stevenson? The last line of the poem states "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you." I can attest to the truth of this. Emotionally, I felt so alone after coming home with Rylan and my two boys were not home with me. It was a very difficult time, yet I had strength that could only come from God carrying me through.
Having Reagan in the hospital and being unable to be by his side during this traumatic event in his short life was beyond difficult as a mother. I initially felt a tendancy to place guilt on myself for not being there with him. However, The Lord was ever present in my thoughts and helped me push Satan's lies out of my mind. Instead of telling myself "You should be there. It's what a good Mom would do, despite having an infant at home. You can get all the germs off and protect Rylan. Just go visit him and show him how much you love him," I was able to focus on Ryan being there as Reagan's support. In fact, it was a great time of Ryan and Reagan being able to bond since they spent so much time together. The Lord allowed me to release the guilt of not being there and I felt comfort in that. Satan wasn't controlling my thoughts; The Lord allowed me to push Satan's lies aside and focus on Truth. Don't misunderstand me here. As a Mom, I desperately wanted to be by my son's side. However, I knew I couldn't. It wasn't safe for Rylan to have me exposed to Croup, RSV, and pneumonia and potentially give it to her at less than a week old.
My natural tendencies are to worry, worry, worry. I'm a worrier; but The Lord is working on this with me. While I was concerned about Reagan's health and questioned why he initially wasn't improving, I can honestly say I wasn't worried the way I thought I would have been worried. Looking back, I assumed I would have just worried all day long and questioned God about how He could allow this to happen to our family at this time. I assumed my thoughts would have been filled with questions and worst-case scenarios. But I didn't worry in that way; I was able to release my worrysome thoughts to The Lord and know that Reagan would be okay. This was only accomplished by The Lord, as this is not how I normally handle difficult situations.
If there is one regret I have, it's that I didn't share why I felt at peace with the hospital staff. All of the nurses who took care of me knew Reagan was on the PEDS floor. I know by the conversations we had that I appeared both physically and mentally together. I wasn't a mess trying to cope with the situation. I knew why I had it together - The Lord's comfort allowed me to handle the situation the way I did. However, I never talked with my nurses about why I was calm and felt comforted despite the situation. While I hope to never have a child hospitalized again, I pray that if I'm faced with a situation in which my response is not the norm, I will share that the peace I have is because of my faith in Jesus Christ.
My other main thought from this time is how Ryan and I grew in our marriage. We really had to communicate well and talk through our feelings and emotions. In fact, on Thursday (the day I came home as well as Reagan's worst day), we talked on the phone and said we needed to be real with each other. We both desired to be strong for one another while apart, but we didn't want to attempt to be strong and then not really share what was going on in our hearts. We needed to be real and honest, no matter what. This was really helpful on Friday morning when I felt very alone and out of the loop because Ryan had his parents to talk with in the hospital room. When I shared my true feelings, we were able to work through the issue and move forward. What a blessing!
These are my main reflections from what happened just over 3 weeks ago. I know I've had more emotions and thoughts about it, but these are my two main takeaways.
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