Exasperated

Exasperate: to irritate or provoke to a high degree; annoy extremely, as defined by dictionary.com  That's the best word and definitely the most accurate word to describe how I've felt this week.  Completely exasperated and now that it's Friday, I feel I'm at the end of my rope.  Praise the Lord Ryan will be home for the weekend and will be able to help me.

I'm fairly certain I can trace the exasperation back to last Saturday, December 7.  I was barely even with the kids that day, but they were just acting horribly.  Ryan and I were able to enjoy the day in the city sans kids and I thought things would get better on Sunday.  Well that didn't happen.  The best way I can describe myself on Sunday was having an out of body experience.  Any sign of patience was out the window.  Reagan went on his third straight day of not napping or having "quiet time" and I just couldn't handle it.  I was tired from a very long day in the city yesterday so I thought life would get back to "normal" on Monday.

Oh how wrong I was! Without doing a play by play, I can sum up the week as Reagan still not napping, having meltdowns every day at various points during the day due to exhaustion (he tells me I'm so tired...) and accidents in the afternoon.  He had gone at least a solid week without any accidents and this week brought several and sometimes multiple in a day.  Kyleigh as well has been pushing the limits and chooses to be naughty in the midst of my struggle and frustration with Reagan.  When I tell her no for anything, she'll start spitting.  Where did that come from??

I think my low point of the week came yesterday when I had a friend watching the kids for about an hour and fifteen minutes while I had a doctor appointment.  I had Reagan attempt the potty before we left the house, but didn't have to go.  When I came to get the kids, he had three accidents - one poop and two pee accidents - at their house.  And then to top it off, he accidentally broke one of their snowmen decorations.  I know she wasn't upset at all - about the accidents or snowman - but I felt terrible.  I pushed ahead and went to Mariano's since we had no food for dinner.  Reagan thought it was a good decision to stick his fingers into an banana and then try to eat the banana through the peel.  As I stood in the bread and jelly aisle, crying, all I could think is, "What happened to my child?  This isn't the kid I know."  I pulled myself together, paid for the groceries, and came home.

I spent the majority of Thursday evening alone because Ryan had a Peacemakers meeting at church from 6-8:30.  I managed to get the kids fed, bathed (I normally only bathe the kids when Ryan's home), and in bed without much of an issue.  By 7:15p I was making 13 dozen cookies and wrapping presents.  This was actually a good time to be alone in my thoughts.

After a lengthy description of my feelings this week, I now have a few thoughts.  Trust me, I don't know the answers and still feel exasperated, but I'm doing my best to work through this feeling of exasperation.  First, as Ryan suggested, I should probably change my expectations in regards to Reagan's nap (or lack thereof).  Maybe he's giving it up and I need to accept this.  I think he's too young to give it up, but then again, Ryan gave up napping at an early age as well.  Maybe it's genetic?  Second, maybe Reagan is sensing things will be changing at home soon (baby is due in 6 weeks).  He did so great at potty training and then he gave up his nap and we've been talking about big boy beds (bunk beds) for his room.  Maybe he doesn't understand how to process all that is happening in his world right now so his way to keep my attention focused on him is through potty training regression, nap refusal, and misbehavior.  I could be way off here, but it's just a thought.  Third, and definitely most important, if I start my day with prayer, it truly changes my attitude toward the kids.  On Wednesday morning I asked the Lord for extra patience and love during this difficult time.  While Reagan continued his antics, I approached my discipline in a much calmer and loving way than the days I didn't start off with prayer.  I know this and yet I still try to handle things on my own.  So silly!

It's only 8:30a on Friday morning and we still have the day ahead of us.  I did start my day with prayer, so I know I'm already on the right track.  It's going to be a long day, though, as Reagan is in his first musical tonight at church.  He only has one verse to sing for "Away in a Manger" but the program doesn't start until 7p which has been his bedtime during the napping strike.  We'll see how he does with the extra late night.

I pray things will change soon and maybe as I mentioned earlier, I need to accept a new normal of life.  Kids are ever changing and we had been in a groove for a long time.  Maybe I should try to see the positive of this napping strike as giving me some one on one time with Reagan I didn't really have before. I know the Lord is walking with me through his difficult time; I just need to rely on His strength when I'm at my weakest.