"Shame on You"

"Shame on you."  These words continue to echo in my mind as I replay what happened earlier today.  "Shame on you" the woman said, "Are you her mother or her nanny?"

I've known now for about a year that Kyleigh is a runner  After she turned 1, I referred to her as a basset hound because she got her nose on a trail and off she went, no looking back.  She runs away from me most opportunities she gets.  There have been other close calls (like losing her at the library a few weeks ago), and I've learned to always keep my eyes on her because if I look away, she'll be off in the other direction.  Despite her short legs, she is a quick little toddler!

Today alone, even while keeping my eyes on her, she ran from the park into either the open grass areas or the parking lot at least five times.  I continued to chase her down (sometimes with Rylan in the carrier - that wasn't fun!) and tell her running away is not a good decision.  After finishing lunch, I let both Reagan and Kyleigh play in the playground with their other friends.  Already weary from chasing her multiple times, I knew I needed to be extra mindful of her whereabouts or else.  Unfortunately, "or else" happened.

I took my eyes off her for 30 seconds (no joke) and when I looked back at the playground only 20 feet away, I couldn't see her.  I asked Reagan, "Where is Kyleigh?" but he didn't know.  I immediately got up and looked all over the playground, in the surrounding open grass area, and even in the first two rows of the parking lot.  Nothing; no sign of her.  I looked back at Lauren and she questioned if I found her and I shook my head no.  Back in the parking lot, I am searching, scanning the lot for her.  I was convinced she had to be back in the playground or open grass area because there is no way she could have gotten further away in the parking lot with as little time as my eyes were off her. 

That's when I heard it.  "Over here," the woman yells.  "Shame on you.  SHAME ON YOU!  Are you her mother or her nanny?  Do you realize how serious this is?  I'm surprised there wasn't an accident.  She could have been hit by a car or fallen into the lake."  Her berating continued on for another minute as I approached her holding my daughter (Kyleigh had made it to the other side of the parking lot, about 4 or 5 rows away from where I was searching).  I acknowledged I was her mother and near complete breakdown, she lightened up on me.  "If you were her nanny, I was going to be even more upset.  But since you're her mother... I'm a grandma and I was just concerned.  Have a nice day."

I shamefully walked back to my van holding both girls in my arms and started to cry.  Through tears, I told Kyleigh she cannot continue running away.  It is too dangerous.  The couple that was parked next to me heard everything that happened and asked if I was ok.  I barely lifted my head and said "yes, thank you."  I quickly walked back to my friends and told them I was going home, refusing to look any of them in the eye.  I got in the car, texted Ryan what happened and concluded with "I'm not fit to be a mother." 

This episode hit me hard.  I seriously questioned my ability to parent.  However, I feel the Lord has been so gracious to me throughout the remainder of the day.  I was contacted by 3 of my friends who were there to encourage me.  They had no idea what transpired in the parking lot; they only knew that Kyleigh had run away.  Their phone calls and text messages were such an encouragement to me.  In my response to them, I said that I am trying to remember God's faithfulness in protecting Kyleigh and keeping her safe despite the danger she faced.  I feel God used this afternoon to teach me this lesson of faithfulness because when I was planning on writing this post earlier in the day, I certainly did not have that perspective.  I was angry at the lady, at Kyleigh, and at myself for being such a "horrible" mother.  But as the hours passed, God put on my heart that although Kyleigh faced danger, He was faithful to protect her from harm.  It's not just my ability as a parent, but it's God's strength that He gives me to parent.  And when I make mistakes, He is there to guide me through it.  Thank you, my friends, who encouraged me today.  You know who you are and you are a blessing to me!