Ugly

Forewarning to my few, faithful readers: this is a humbling and difficult post to write.  However, my prayer is that as I look back on my posts from time to time, I remember how I felt while writing.  I pray that the content of this post will have a lasting impact on my parenting and that it will not soon be forgotten!

Ugliness is the only way to describe the last two nights of bedtime drama in this household.  It started off as not pretty and quickly turned to utter ugliness.  Not only in the words I said, but also in my heart.

For the past week or so, Reagan has been getting out of bed multiple times.  I know this is a toddler phase and I'm sure we'll get through it like many of the other phases that have come and gone.  He often doesn't ask for water or to be tucked back in or for his animals.  He just comes out for a short visit and we often angrily send him back to bed with strict warnings to not come out again.  Two nights ago, he must have come out 15 times (no exaggeration), received several disciplines, was spoken to harshly by both of us, and had the privilege of his movie taken away.  The last visit on that night was 9:30p.

Last night was a similar story, but made a different kind of impression.  Ryan was at church for a meeting, so I handled bedtime on my own (never a fun thing to do with the kids at this age).  Within the first 7 minutes after I closed the door, Reagan was out of his room 5 times.  With Rylan already screaming and my attempts at calming her were futile, I quickly became angry with Reagan.  I yelled at him and refused to listen to his nightly statement, "In the morning, lets make good decisions.  Tonight and tomorrow so I can watch a movie."  Of course, since I shut the door and didn't listen to him, he walked right back out of the room, which fueled my anger even more.  I walked him back to his room, yelling something, but I have no idea what.  With tears streaming down his face, he said, "Mommy, I don't want you to yell at me."  Ouch.  I stopped in my tracks and let that sink in for a moment.  That was one of the hardest sentences I have ever heard.

I put him back in bed and walked out of the room.  It was 7:45p.  I finally calmed Rylan down and dozed on the couch until Ryan came home.  I wish I could say the bedtime drama ended there, but it didn't.  At 8:15p, Reagan made another appearance.  By God's grace, I handled the situation much better than I did 30 minutes prior.  However, Reagan continued to make visits; I believe his last visit was around 9p.

I didn't mention anything to Ryan about the heart wrenching statement until we went to bed an hour later.  As our conversation evolved, I am grateful for a husband who lovingly corrected me for my behavior.  Although I was upset with myself for yelling, I expected to get sympathy from Ryan for going through this alone.  That was not at all what I received.  At first, I was a little peeved at him for his gentle criticism of how I handled the situation.  I wanted to shoot back and say "You've made mistakes, too.  I don't point them out to you, especially when you're already disappointed by your choices."  However, Ryan was loving me by challenging me to think through the words I said (yelled) and how I would have felt if I was on the receiving end.  Let me tell you, it was humbling.  Having this conversation with Ryan was incredibly difficult, but I thank God for the man that Ryan is.  He didn't just let this episode fade into the past, knowing it would probably resurface again.  He challenged me to think hard about how often I yell and my tone of voice with the kids (not directly, but as a result of some of the questions he asked me).

I am not proud of how I behaved last night.  However, God's grace is sufficient.  I can bow humbly before the Cross, seek forgiveness, and know that I am forgiven for these choices.  I also know that the love of a toddler is bigger than one ugly night.  I can scoop him up this morning (PTL, he's still asleep at 6:45a!) and apologize for treating him the way I did and I'm confident he'll forgive me and we'll move on.  Many people have said that I'm truly in the trenches of motherhood right now and I feel that every day.  I just pray that as the harder days in the trenches occur, I choose to learn from the mistakes I made.  I don't want to be a yelling mom and I don't want my children to look back on their childhood and remember how mad Mom got and how much she yelled.  I know I can overcome this weakness in my life by relying on the strength Jesus gives.  He is perfect and even though I daily fall short of perfection, I am striving to be more like Him!